Tuesday, November 13, 2018

New Blog

Blog #1 - same address

Blog #2

Sunday, November 11, 2018

Trip to Saint Augustine - 2016

Feeling Better

I feel better after eating more pumpkin pie and ice cream.

Update

at bottom of blog

My Stuff

My Trips

Changes

I see it's catching that I'm not included in good things that happened in the 1960s.

Hey

A TV show on the 60s music is on!

Not as Awake

I feel a bit tired, up late last night.

Question

What about the nostalgic pop music, like from the 1960s?

TV

This is the first time I saw Dancing With the Stars: Juniors.

Problems

The world is ruined because of people who are unhappy, like racially too, and they are rebellious like Pirates of the Caribbean is not that great.  I'm not like that.  If I didn't like it, I wouldn't be a problem.  I don't belong in this category.

Update

http://www.christinabarrett.com

Biography says "Anglo/Irish."

Sleep?

I had a noisemaker that wasn't loud enough to sleep to, so I leave music on.

New Post

http://www.christinabarrett.com

What?

I'm being blamed for someone like they have to talk to me, when that's not true.  They sorta said they would, and other people got in the way.

Problem

I was gonna settle down and try to practice music, but I don't feel as happy and young.

New Post

http://www.christinabarrett.com

Nite!

I did forget my pills, maybe.  Nice sleep now.  Just letting the world know.

New Post

http://www.christinabarrett.com

Yum!

I got hummus for nearly the 1st time!  There was also some sort of pita bread to dip in it.

Ooh, a cause!

Other people sinning makes me in trouble in my thoughts/reactions, in the end.

In Trouble, Oh My!

People get mad at me for my thoughts/reactions, the people involved monitoring me in private hurt me for it, and then they're done when that's settled for them.

Problem

I already tried to tell people that people I communicate with need help.  No one gives a fuck.  Forget these losers.  They're all brain-damaged; they're not all there, they don't seem to care, Generation X dominating the scene; they seem to always have a heat stroke and act like they care but go all tapered out, like something in their brain is missing and it's fuzzy.

There's so much to talk about...

...how people reacted to this.

So, basically.

This was not worth it about this person, I don't even really see them much anymore.  Did you ruin the rest of the world, too?  You've ruined the United States.

Nothing bad about this person, though.

Lame

Sometimes, all we do is make someone else feel better about being underground famous who was made so to be sorry for alone, whereas before my life mattered.  They were supposed to be my friend, but now they're more apart, in some ways in the scheme of things.

New Post

http://www.christinabarrett.com

New Post

http://www.christinabarrett.com

It's a wonder...

It's a wonder if some people do find anyone to talk to, if they treat everyone like they treat me.

New Post

http://www.christinabarrett.com

So?

Did I stay in the boundaries?

Yum!

Pumpkin pies ready!

Even...

Even some good people don't care about me and some want to ruin my life.

So...

So, why was I contacted?

"Where the Sidewalk Ends..."

People've really surrounded my life and given me nothing to do or talk about.

Huh?

I don't know who done what, but I don't feel I'm in trouble.  Just a bunch of weirdos having fun.

New Post

http://www.christinabarrett.com

More

They don't seem happy, not in this situation.

So, what?

Nothing rational can be said?  I knew this was bad.

Others Getting Attention

Only one person in a situation now is enjoying a certain kind of meaningless approval from meaningless people, no bad on that person's part though ... and wonders why everyone else is so lost.  That person could be a good person still and we change and watch other people and laugh at what happens to them when they get attention.

A Cozy Life, Ahead

I'm sitting out here for 2 hours waiting for the pumpkin pie to cool so we don't get bugs.

Um..

Who cares about who's better than who?

Is it something about me being in trouble for being sad about losing something in a relationship that some people think so unimportant yet so important they have to keep me from it?  It just hits me, I don't get any explanation, at all, just like hits me.  I don't want it to be dumbed down, though, for me.

Looking for Too Much Excitement

Why is it like I got in trouble all of a sudden? the greed of the Presidential Election of the USA?

Asian Genes

My life gets trashed over full Asians for having Asian.

Question

Can people important to me stop acting like I'm nothing?  I don't want to show everyone.  Well, maybe, but not in Hell.

People in a Rut

People who complain, even if they are German, or show signs of disapproval or people who act like nothing's good enough for them ... are just making themselves look bad, guess it's time to move on and see worse things.

Not know what to look for, in my last post?

What about what was exciting for when I was growing up?  Now, I don't even have a career!

"No Fun!"

I never have fun except alone or unless it's with my dad going out to the grocery store or something.

Of course, things like these old recordings and running into people.

This was nice and all...

...but why am I in the doghouse?

Nothing to Do But...

...watch this video, but I keep feeling like I'm a bad person and I don't know what to do.

Weird

I don't like to focus on trivialities and linger on old grudges from people.

I'm bad?

I don't know why it's like no one likes me, sometimes, when you find things out.

Nope.

Some German people are all caught up in the moment and "know about me."  They think I am in trouble.

Oh, a close up!

for several seconds

Interesting Recordist Girl

for several seconds

Wrong!

You are mistaken if someone informed some of the mean Germans that I worshiped them.

What's life for?

I entertain myself more than other people do.

Facebook

New Facebook Posts

"Live and Let Live"

I live with the fact that people have wrong grudges on me.

Torture

Some people are easily accepted and made into something like "false idols."

So

I don't care about those stupid people that much.

My Life, Now

So, yea, basically, a lot of people hate on me.

Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow

The whole world seems to have turned off because I like Johnny Depp.

They always acted like they were him as Jack Sparrow.

Saturday, November 10, 2018

Your Choice

I don't look up to Southern Europeans who don't act white.  I do like some Germans who act white.

Someone...

Someone sounds like they have a hold over me, for bad reasons.

A Joke

Now, people involved in monitoring me in private override me.

I don't need this kind of excitement.

People are all out and about trying to terminate the possibility of someone like me keeping a friendship with an older lady I like.

Orlando

They always flip around meanings and make you feel like you did something bad when you had a point to make.  It's like all they can do, a lot of times.

Nothing to Talk About in the Real World That Seems Right and Okay

So, I think what's bothering me is people picking on my being sugary to people about myself, and the people involved monitoring me in private take advantage of that and act like I am in trouble.

They already have me on pills for schizophrenia, and I don't feel as popular.  I don't get excited, like something important in me died.  It might be due to going off my schedule and falling behind when I was in school, when called to the counselor's office, FYI.  So, how can you trust these people and think they are okay? whoever did this to me.  I said I didn't want the medicine.  They said they wouldn't give it to me, and they left me there and called my dad to ask if it was okay, when I was 16.

Me at Church Tonight



Autism

People think my joking to myself could spread and that it's wrong, but they think I should be underprivileged and suffer for no reason like that's okay because it's me.  Go back to preschool!

Shit

People with shit records call me shit for all my accomplishments, like they were all shit.

"Home Run!"

There is not much good to talk about, "right off the bat."

I noticed.

I noticed I work to make my life better and better and it is starting to get shittier and shittier.
new Facebook posts

Friday, November 9, 2018

Getting Worse

It seems like things are just happening more and more.

Ninja Chopper

$24, free shipping

I plan to get this soon.

Edit

http://www.christinabarrett.com

bio:

Miami/New Orleans (Chinese, Irish, German...?) (want to move to Germany & study/perform classical music)

Update

bottom of blog

About Me
My Life Activities
High School Activities
School Honors

Cravings

I need a vegetable chopper and soup maker.

At least, I have raw carrots and spinach to gulp down still.

Surrounded by Stupidity

I'm too stupid to say how stupid Orlando is.

When I make a stand, I feel people mimicking me like it sounded bad or everyone thinks the exact same thing strangely.

Difficulties

Things are becoming more and more difficult.

Comfortable, anyway?

No, I'm a starving artist and in trouble for no reason and feel agitated now, living at home.

Well...

...I keep being fought for my positive views.

(continued)

I'm always in some trouble or something happens.

Well

Bored, just waiting for the next trap.

Talking in Codes I Don't Follow

It's true, I said it was okay if the person wanted something, even when I suffer.  People think me saying anything about it sounds inappropriate coming from me, and if I talk to people who do it it was what the person, an older lady, wanted.

So, what...

...listen to Orlando? talk about all the reasons this is okay and pretend they were sorry?  Sure, you found a lost dog and gave it a home, but that's not all you did.  Wait, you didn't even do that.  Some figment of the imagination occurred, but you didn't really do anything.

Okay, okay.  Why is this what's always going on to talk about?  That means Orlando is in line for a new way to contribute to society, a different kind of labor.  I keep getting a mumble back that all that some people do is work to ruin my life because they see someone got something in life and earned things.

So, say, I want to participate in the world and get involved in politics just at least to vote when voting comes.  Is this going to be what's up? and acting like my freedom of speech is limited here in the US?

What about before?  You want to benefit only your life?  People are "making my life miserable?"

This just in?  How am I supposed to know for sure?  Any detail-ation of my situation of what made me very sad about my life and I'm just basically saying no to all I'm supposed to do, and someone "has" to say it.  Plus, for some reason, I noticed I've been treated like I did something wrong to say anything about it, on my blog, ever, and people used it as a reason to say I'm bad in the future.  People want to say my posting about it is inefficient, and they're gonna do what they want.

Lonely

Who is there that I should forget about?

and

Is my life getting more ruined because I don't have a career in the performing arts?

Suffering Daily

What a bummer.

Making a Generation Without Parents and Some With

Generation X is just eyeing Late Boomers going into retirement and preparing for their death, whereas Generation YZ is able to live their life otherwise with parental figures.

Grudge

Are people just trying to bother me?  I don't mean to hog attention, but people are just being bad trying to bother me.  I don't have to let it out on anyone, but I thought it was important or, rather, unimportant.

Update

http://www.christinabarrett.com

bio: Florida/New Orleans, USA (Chinese, Irish, German...?) (want to move to Germany & study/perform classical music)

2 New Posts

http://www.christinabarrett.com

Thursday, November 8, 2018

A Message for Older Generations

I thought you wanted younger generations to think for themselves and make informed decisions.

Snap Decisions

Late Boomers like to make snap decisions to look good and it decides the future for all.

Question

Is it appropriate to ask if I agree with someone?

Jack Sparrow

Isn't it funny to watch people emulate the way Johnny Depp is in Pirates of the Caribbean?  I think it's cool, but they don't seem very nice.

Question

How can Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl mean anything if people don't mean anything, anymore?  I liked it when I got around to seeing it years after it came out, but it's too bad that's not real life, like it seems suggested it would be, for all who wanted.  It's like teasing everyone and manipulating the world.

Hatred

Slowly, people are lethargically making my life not make sense.

Update

My Weight and Hight Record is at the bottom of this blog.

Thursday, November 8, 2018 - 2:30-3:00PM
Weight: 135 pounds

In Total

Why are people all around considered better than me?

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

new Facebook and Twitter posts

"People Who Need People"

People single me out and think they can do whatever they want to me.

Some older people think I need their nourishment.  They just keep going and don't have to face the facts.  They just keep going.

Why worry about the world?

Like I said, I care about the good people.

Their Question

What if you aren't as stimulated as everyone else?

That's too broad of an idea, and I don't care in general but know it can turn into me being attacked.

Why should I care about anyone? except for good people

The people monitoring me in private said they are all dishonest.  I'm not really the one in trouble.

Innocent

I never said I had to have anything, and people are ruining my life based on that I had anything.

Auto-Adaptation

People are taking the worst culture and trying to adapt my life and relationships to it.

Update

I fixed the Twitter link at the bottom of my blog to show all Tweets when you click the link.
new Facebook and Twitter posts

My Life

My life ... is "too bad."  I am not allowed to care about what happens to it.

Only If...

People only want to talk to me if I think I did something wrong.  Otherwise, they're not up for it.

Tuesday, November 6, 2018

Problem

Why do I feel stress around me?

Checking In

I know people will think I am sarcastic, but I'm just dishing out the information and trying to fix things and express what gives me sorrow, like I always feel I already did something to lose deserving anything, like it or not, anyone.

It must be taking the world by storm.

Do you like to feel emotion from music or just judge how long you played and what country you are from?

I think Germany likes Orlando because people here sometimes in some ways seem talentless from losing their bearings moving from somewhere further north to a place without a strong, welcoming culture, like the environment of Hitler.  Orlando might support him, but other places don't let that happen.  Funny, people can't say what the problem is that Hitler had.  He must have just been an animal.  There are many criminals and wars to justify what happened this time.  Criminals usually shun the public.

Why...

Why are people acting like it's my fault I couldn't play violin at 6 when I asked my dad and grandma?

Question

In general, why do people in Germany and Orlando act like I actually bow down to them when I don't?

What happened? Where did everybody go?

I wonder if all the people who adored me and worshiped my musical abilities here in the US still feel the same way.  I can't get anything out of anyone, and people used to come to me.  I tried to fit myself into German classical music, but I can see it would be or partially is too convenient for people with instability issues to say no, just like Orlando where I live now.  I ended up not doing music after moving to Orlando, too.  I thought I might have had something going, at least.

Edit

It's from year 2003.

(continued)

The organist was first I think in arts and crafts, piano, and organ later in life.

Music

This is from the oldest parish in the US in the oldest continuing city and 2nd oldest city in the US, where I lived age 9-11, 1995-1998.  This is from year 2003.



New Facebook Posts

(from a few hours ago)

link

Bullied

Early Generation X ladies bully me around secretly.

New Facebook Posts

link

Monday, November 5, 2018

Being a Kid

I feel like ...

So, SpongeBob comes out.  It's for people who don't fall in line with success.  I want to be cool like one of the kids, and it seems I am accepted.  Then, I'm gradually tossed out.  The kids behind are kids longer.

Got a Cell Phone Kick Stand From China via eBay

I can't chose which color.  I couldn't find anything else like this.  It was only $2.95 with free shipping, common from China/Japan, I think.  It will come in a couple weeks.

(link)

Found a New Cell Phone Case Which Also Fits




New Cell Phone Cover

(link)

Sunday, November 4, 2018

Uncomfortable

on violin

but maybe comfortable from piano

I'm trying to suck it up, but I'm not "great" like other musicians.

You know, I was talented at music playing piano and was in choir.  That's what everyone said.  I ended up stopping due to other reasons that's not really people's faults you'd think, maybe.  It's my responsibility.  I'm just confused because I was good at music but also other things, and it's like I didn't know what to do.  Well, singing is an instrument and I kept singing but not classical stuff because I stayed in my room and didn't get around to it feeling trapped.  So, I can still do music, but I didn't get to do enough.  It doesn't mean I'm an invalid as a person.  I see music is more acclaimed.

I could have been great.  Was I wrong to look into different worthy fields like film acting?  I like it because I wanted to be peculiar, someone who does some music, a little ballet, you know?  I was into music as early as age 15 for college and the arts at the start and earlier.  I didn't really get feedback much, but how could I be sure?  I've talked about that, to older people.  I was thinking of singing and ballet, but adding singing lessons to see was expensive.  Maybe musical theater before.

What?

People get mad at me for what I blog.  That's surprising judging by how they are.

TV

People are approaching me like I should be ashamed but acting like maybe they didn't just do that.

TV

I feel like I am being led to think or hypnotized that someone else is good because they do music and I lack or left skills.  Like, I'm trying to appreciate stuff, but when people do that I disagree.

"Life Is Unfair"

I am so nice and have such a hurt life.

"Life is unfair."

Something new for you...  That's not okay!

Trouble for Me?

Should I presently be in any trouble at all?

TV

People get annoyed at stuck up musicians, but they themselves can be spoiled for other reasons.

TV

Why are musicians so condescending to me?  They talk fine to non-musicians.  People are just depressed I can do music.

Withheld

People keep me from people I get along with who are normal.

"Meanies"

I'm sick of mean people telling me I am mean.

Hmph!

People think they will get the older lady I know to dislike me if they keep acting like clowns for her and ruin it for me and what I had.

Yum!

Sargento has great cheese sticks!  Real cheese taste!

UN-impressed

People just want everyone to seem like they are not that impressive, in order to be impressive to say that.

TV

Early Generation X is younger than Late Boomers and too young to bust a move.

They are there to tell Late Generation X "where they are in the game" and that's all.

Um.

I think Germans are overly picky.  "Oh, you're family was too poor to eat out?  I'm gonna *beep* you!"

Well...

I don't "see what you're saying."

TV

"...but is it okay if I do it?"

Early Generation X thinks they can backtalk me.

"Off Their Rocker"

Early Generation X is "off their rocker."  Ever since 1997 or 1998, they've been onto the case of what's the doings of younger Generation X, like anything they joked about was wrong, even if you are very good, whereas bad people probably get away with it, sneakily.  They act like there's something big there, but I saw them make it up then, too.

Generation X

Either you are new to Generation X ways or you are Generation X.  I know what Generation X does, at least in some ways.  Anyway, that's what seems to have been capturing people's attention, these days, something to step around, carefully.

So...

So, instead of it used to being said I have a new relationship, the world has a new relationship.

"On Ignore"

I was concentrating on why people were "going ballistic" that I was just an object that looks like a person but is worthless as a person without any "redeeming qualities."  I started to think, and it started with the fact I had "2 eyes..."

I do hope

attractive people who are cool and smart will read this.  It's what they believe.

Mixed Race

People want mixed race Americans to act like they are inferior.  They talk to darker races because they admit that's what they are, that's all they are, and they have a chance because men prefer full Asians to people who are 1/2 fair white and 1/2 Asian because it gives them a "fresh" "chance" in their descendants.

Question

Are they trying to turn a perfectly normal person into a monster?

Out

People keep identifying themselves with people as cool as me after trying to convince me they are cooler.

"Why?!"

I wonder what makes it so cool to kids to ransack things around concerning the lady the world identifies.

The kids sound like famous adults, thinking they should talk about it but so she's affected, unlike other famous people and inappropriately, and not caring if anyone else wants attention of some good kind, so this stands out more.  It's not that some feelings are all inappropriate, but some of the suggestions are, like to ruin my relationship with her in ways that aren't problems from me.  Their lasting argument is that they didn't have to "do" anything, she's just "better" like that, they act like in strange ways.

I wonder if this affects anything important.

Mixed Messages, Just So People Know

Why is it just about repeating that an older lady I like got my fame instead of me whereas before I was supposedly considered okay to her?

I'm not fighting. I'm not even debating.

Why is it a war on who it's for?

Who's it for, you mean?

Did you know it's considered I messed with an older lady who likes me for feeling upset and blogging that people are trying to ruin it for me with her, like it's their business or they accepted an order that they claim was.  They ^only^ exploited her and tried to arouse her in a hurtful way when they had the whole world think that of her, some thinking that she's ^simply^ to be famous like a sex toy that many people know her and recognize and identify her.  They can do it more when they are ready, just waiting for something weird to happen to me where I do something imperfect or "different" as their reason again.

I will never get out of trouble, no matter what I do, it feels.

People are being pointless arguing I burned out in school though they knew they were bad and wasted time and gave us busywork, which I was up doing past midnight, like, every school night since, like, age 12?  When it was just about reading and things, I was, like, the 99th percentile in the nation, at least in some things.  It was overall the memory of a 3 ring circus with no critical thinking and not enough "lecturing" and "reading" other than things like a lot of African American literature and mentally unstable literature, in higher grades.  What comes next?  Lectures and reading, like a long line of bottles to cap, with no redeeming qualities and alluring background from which to draw.  I've had it!  I'm older.  I have to succeed in my career, playing classical music.

A Real Mess

Did you know an older lady I like is already comfortable agewise with what she does, and she's a great, normal person like other people.  However, people are making up fantasies and messing with her inappropriately because she knows me, and in the end I'm supposedly the only one who suffers, though it feels like she has problems and it doesn't matter?

What happened to Generation Z?

If you ask about the future of people born around 1997 and 1998, would you point fingers at Generation X?

Facebook Share

(continued)

I think she won, along with Simon Biles on top.  They are both American.

Gymnast

Morgan Hurd from the US is a good gymnast.  She is adopted from China.  She is 17 years old, born in 2001.

(continued)

It has a kick stand.

Ordered a New Cell Phone Cover

Party

What do you think about Europeans indicating you should step back from thinking anyone is interested in you often?  Those people have a party, but people like me party alone on their blog.

I'm not being sarcastic or picking on anyone.

Gymnastics

Gymnastics is on.

Being Quiet

What do you think about being quiet unless you have something "juicy" to offer?

Saturday, November 3, 2018

New Facebook Posts

link

Confrontations

People make confrontations and then retreat.  They make it so it's like you or them don't know immediately and get away with it.

Whose fault is what?

Interesting the way people a little older than me don't get the attention they need but little kids today act like they are modest and sacrificial but are annoying.

I'm not and wasn't and still am not and will not be a problem.

People keep acting like, "See, you are bad, too," when they are just acting confusing.

It's like...

It's like they misunderstood.

Think that's taken care of?

You didn't answer my questions.

I don't think it's okay

to ruin other people's and other races's lives and still expect to come out on top.

Question

Why are some people allowed to not be trash?

Problem

I keep being treated like I'm always trash, like other people who are supposedly trashy enough to speak to me.

Questions

So, if I'm trash overall, are people fooling around on whether or not to put a sign on everyone else in my category?

Why are some people not trash?

Question

Why do people still have babies if I'm told I don't mean anything that people want because I'm not older?

Owning It

Can young adults today own what they do and their parents?

"Curiouser and Curiouser"


This girl plays a girl called Macy in Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018.)  She is English.  The old English man finds her curious and peculiar.

How to Prove Someone Out

Someone proved someone was up to no good, but he kept going.

"Man you've got me so uncool. I'm talking so uncool, I'm looking so uncool, I'm acting so uncool."

People today are so unfocused when they try to explain something in life to you.  It's like they think it's acting cool like the 90s.  It's tacky.  It's like they are trying to be cool in a certain way but are not.

People's Pleasure

People are pleasuring themselves that I'm always in trouble when I grew up very good, like "the dawning of a new era."  You know, I had, like, almost all perfect behavior all growing up in school and at home whatever you'd make of that, I wasn't bad I know.  I got mostly A+ and the highest grades much of my schooling.  Now, I'm just the target of a wild goose chase of people flat out lying I'm bad and they're better.  They think one small thing was a big deal, maybe, and said it was really very bad, even if I didn't make problems.  I do something that's really okay and I get in trouble, like posting about my problems on a blog.  People like to make up things about what's unusual and keep a record and keep it going, like that's my identity.  They combine the stakes and make it look like I had no excuse for whatever happened.

These Days

People think I'm silly and useless.

😈

What makes you feel good?

To get ahead in life and be successful with yourself or in private?

Did you used to think older people or adults were uncool and unimportant?

Usage of Money/Time

I guess I won't take ballet and use my money to take the bus and eat out more.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Pointless

I grew up set up to be ugly and stupid, even though I did what they told me in school, and everyone thinks I'm a bad person because of it.  I never set myself up as competition like bait, but people found me out.

Caught More Trends

Do you hear people get away with preaching to others that they deserve things, whereas you get snapped at for just being a normal person?

Do you ever have people throw things at you at once to see if they can prove you wrong with your snap reaction? and continue to be demanding of more information from you?

Do you know people who are racially "covered" might just know that they live life about being accepted racially but not other things?

Thursday, November 1, 2018

AGT

Just doing violin.

"This is it! I've had enough" of real nonsense!

No matter how suggestive things get, you can't say no!  So, have fun?

That should sound nice...

Attention Shifts

So, I wonder how people made the older lady happy.  It sure affected my life, I think that's what makes them do it.

"The Dearest and the Best"

I figured out something else big.  People act like they don't care, and then they are mad when something good happens to someone else.  They say it wasn't good enough, but I guess it was the best...

Hurt

I feel like I will be hurt if I disagree.

Me Singing Now

Don't worry, be happy.

That's what people like me are doing.

Duh!

I just see it as I had a wonderful connection and potential continuation in a certain way and people took  it, lying that they do that to anyone as "hot" as Johnny Depp.  They say however much I love is more reason they have the liberty to march in my life like I ^owe^ something.  It's like the older lady ^owes^ me a thank you, but that thank you is a change in if my life is ruined in some way, considering how that normally might go...

So?

So, there's a problem that seems to be reused to feel better, that it's about something I didn't know, already.  I know I was tossed out of convenience in esteem.  The older lady being popular isn't really one of the seven wonders of the world.  Older people today are more popular, and it's just a contest to see if you can get back at the world by making sure others aren't happy, whatever was so conveniently with a flowing reason flung in everyone's face, like putting the world in a trance.

"Man you've got me so uncool. I'm talking so uncool, I'm looking so uncool, I'm acting so uncool."

Like, before I was resting on the idea I was innately a normal, good person.  It was like, oh wouldn't it be cool if we met, what fun I could have, how cool I must have been.

What is this?

I already fantasize wishing her the best in this, like there's something in it she wanted.

I know she liked me in her formal self, but you know these things?  I don't.  People interact older and younger, so that's one part of understanding how anything could have been possible.  I can see it now, I had something reasonable, but people ruined my esteem.

Wanting Parental Figures

I think the older lady I like doesn't admire "what" people do to exploit her and win her attention from me but just the power and popularity they have, the magnitude and size of it.

What is it, it's not good, unless bad can make good.  I saw myself a picture of someone sitting there saying something retarded and being selfish.

Then, you can say you know that there's support behind it for her from older women.  That wasn't there in phase 1.

What about how things were already better before?  I don't even know what that means.